I’m not much of a clean freak. This may terrify some people, but I don’t have a regular cleaning schedule. I sort of leave things until I can’t handle them anymore… and I’m known to handle quite a lot.
That said, I require a certain order. It isn’t a filthy free for all, but more of an artful disaster. I do my laundry, I have a pretty clear desk, but I haven’t vacuumed in too long, the bathroom needs a scrubbing, books are strewn throughout.
That’s what I’m doing today. I feel overwhelmed.
I was just rifling through my closet, folding some laundry, straightening things up. I never know what to wear anymore. This has been a problem for a few years now. 1% of my closet feels like me, I value comfort above all else, have no patience for shopping, hate wasting money and chasing fashions that come and go. I keep thinking, “If I travel, I will only bring the most practical and beloved things with me. What do I need this, this, this, this, and this for?!”And yet, I can’t say goodbye to the virtually see-through cotton bell bottom pants and 30 tanktops that I almost never wear.
I used to be a bit of a fashionista, creating personas and narratives each morning. It gave me a purpose. Looking back, I wish I had the same creative energy that led me to some very bold decisions. I was more confident in some ways, more insecure in others. Now I just don’t care. But clearly I do. Who doesn’t want to feel good about themselves?
In some ways it feels like I’m punishing myself for the foolishness and vapidity of my teen years. Now I’m no-nonsense, well-worn, second hand, never uncomfortable, unpretentious. I’d like to keep the good and upgrade the bad. Most of my clothing belonged to someone else before me. I quite like this, as most of the things that I’ve ever bought new from the store just sit on the shelf and never get worn.
So part of this preparation to travel, to grow, to change, to learn is to let go of the things that are not me, that are ill-fitting, that are unused, so that I may make room for what will satisfy my needs and desires. Exciting!(?) Today I bought a lovely used purse for $7. Practical and lovely, it’s a symbol of my new style manifesto.
So here we are again.
Yesterday I ended my post with “This is day 1.” I feel compelled to do the same today. Life is a string of day 1’s for me. At least right now. It could be worse.